Transforming Conflict into Connection and Radical Forgiveness | Chad Ford | #138
In his latest appearance on the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast, conflict mediator and peace educator Chad Ford delved deep into the transformative principles from his new book "70x7," offering invaluable insights for couples struggling with conflict.
Ford began by challenging the common misconception that healthy marriages are conflict-free. Instead, he emphasized that conflict is not only natural but necessary in intimate relationships where two individuals are blending their lives. The absence of conflict, as research by Dr. John Gottman confirms, can actually signal relationship trouble. The real goal, according to Ford, should be learning to navigate conflict constructively rather than avoiding it altogether.
One of the most profound insights Ford shared was how fear manifests in various conflict styles within marriages. He identified three common fear-based responses: avoidance (burying issues until they inevitably resurface), accommodation (constantly giving in to maintain peace), and competition (needing to "win" every disagreement). These patterns, often learned from our families of origin or past relationships, create cycles that undermine connection despite our intentions to preserve it. Ford suggests that the first step toward healthier conflict is simply recognizing these patterns and honestly asking ourselves: "Is this working?"
The conversation took a particularly powerful turn when Ford introduced his concept of "the risk of embrace," a metaphor drawn from theologian Miroslav Volf's work during the Bosnian War. This four-step process—opening our arms in invitation, waiting for the other person's response, embracing when they step forward, and then gracefully letting go—provides a beautiful framework for reconciliation. It acknowledges both the vulnerability required to initiate reconciliation and the respect needed to allow genuine response rather than forced connection.
Perhaps the most touching moment came when Ford shared a remarkable story of a couple headed for divorce whose relationship was transformed in just 15 minutes. By guiding them through exercises focused on remembering their love, understanding each other's challenges, and acknowledging their contributions to the conflict, he witnessed a powerful reconnection. This story perfectly illustrated Ford's principle that when we truly see our partner's humanity and respond to their needs rather than what they "deserve," profound healing becomes possible.
Ford also unpacked his understanding of forgiveness as part of a larger reconciliation process that includes truth, justice, and assurance against future harm. Far from being a simple "forgive and forget" approach that can enable continued harm, this comprehensive view of reconciliation creates a path forward while acknowledging real wounds. His concept of "rolling away stones" captures this perfectly—choosing to offer what our partner needs rather than the punishment we might think they deserve.
As the conversation concluded, Ford reflected on his own journey through divorce to a fulfilling second marriage. He described how he's learned to hear his wife's expressions of frustration not as personal attacks but as invitations to deeper connection—"Chad, something's not working for me here, but I want it to work." This perspective shift transforms potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and intimacy rather than threats to the relationship.
For listeners struggling with conflict in their marriages, Ford's message offered both compassion and practical wisdom: accept that conflict is inevitable, develop the skills to navigate it constructively, and remember that our closest relationships provide the perfect laboratory for practicing these vital skills that can transform not only our marriages but potentially our communities and world.